I would like to start this very sensitive story off with a side note.
I am not a professional writer and I’m sure everything is not perfect but this is my story, in my words, using my voice!
This is a raw as it gets and while I’m hesitant to jot down every detail, if this helps one person get through their day, then I have done my job.
A friend of mine lost her child a few months ago and as I followed along her journey in motherhood and then grief through social media, I was compelled to message her my story. In doing this, I was hoping it would give her some peace or somewhat of an understanding that other mothers could relate to her.
What I received in return was a gift that I needed for myself. Healing took place in my heart. I had never written down My Story of losing my precious Skyla Paige. I talked about it occasionally, but never the details. See, the details made it messy. The details were scary, sad and extreme. I lived in fear or speaking of writing the details down for so long that I shut them out of my mind, to protect myself. In turn, I caused more damage within myself, because I held it all in.
When I finally took the leap to use my loss, to help a friend. I realized that I had finally helped myself too.
So, here it goes. This is for my Skyla Paige. This is for the mothers who have lost a piece of their heart. Why we went crazy and a promise for HOPE.
I wanted to tell you, YOU ARE WORTH EVERY SECOND this world gives you. I understand completely the heart ache, loss and sense of “no purpose” you are feeling.
When I was 19 God blessed me with my sweet beautiful baby girl, Skyla. I suffered from severe pre eclampsia at 25 and half weeks and my liver and kidneys were shutting down. The only “cure” was to deliver Skyla, or she and myself would not make it. My sweet girl weighed 1 pound 8 ounces and was 12 inches long. She was tiniest, sweetest soul I had ever known and loved. She fought hard for 2 weeks and then made her way to heaven.
I was devastated!
Her father became physically abusive to me 3 days after she was born. He nearly beat me to death 7 days postpartum, while we were lucky enough to stay in the Ronald McDonald house, while Skyla fought for her life. I couldn’t defend myself, he was a man and I was just out of surgery. After she passed, I swallowed my entire bottle of Percocet that was prescribed to me from the surgery and Skyla’s father proceeded to do unimaginable things to me as I was passed out, on a web cam.
I had zero want to live.
I did everything in my power to make my life end and I stayed with a horrible human being because my daughter was his twin and when I looked at him, I felt like I still had a piece of her, here with me on earth. After 8 months of being abused and hating myself and God, I ran away. I came to the mountains and created an entire new life for myself. It was the only way for me to escape, to give myself a chance at life.
It took me a long time to find my faith in God again, about 2 years. I was left with my new body, my c section scar and no baby. I was terrified of meeting someone new, because how could explain all if this, everything that has happened to me. How could someone possibly understand? I was scared to be judged, even more so because she was black, Puerto Rican and white. The men here are unusually racist and would never touch a women that has touched a black man ( pathetic excuse of a person to think that way, in my opinion).
When I finally released some of her ashes and found God again, is when my heart started to heal. I prayed continuously to take the hate out of my heart, to make understand why a precious child would be ripped out of my life but are so freely given to people who abuse and kill their children. I prayed that I could look at a baby, any baby and keep myself together because I couldn’t, not even when I saw them on TV.
I was told that I would have an 85% chance of the same exact thing happening again if I wanted to have another baby.
What devastating news! On top of the percentage, if I did successfully get pregnant and carry and not get the pre E, that I will never carry full term because of the previous C-section being an emergency and my uterus was cut vertically. My stomach could rupture and I would bleed out if I went into natural labor. That’s a lot of news to take in and have to accept.
7 years later, Jordan and I decided to try. I spoke to my doctors, they reviewed my chart from Skyla and basically said, lets just hope you carry to 28 weeks. I told Jordan, I would try one more time. If the same thing happens I don’t know if I could take it. I felt inadequate as a women and a wife. If couldn’t provide him a child, or as many as he would like then why would he want me? He could have somebody else that could give that to him. So we took the chance.
I lived at MAHEC 2 years ago. From the day I found out I was pregnant I went in every Tuesday and Thursday. Myself and the baby were monitored so closely that I had to remind myself, no matter how annoying it seemed to drive to Asheville twice a week that it was for a reason..it was what I wanted and what WE needed. I prayed every single day. Please God, please don’t let my body reject my son, please don’t let my body fail him and myself.
Jordan and I had to have conversations about if I did get pre E again and if there ever had to be a choice to pick. I told him pick our son! Please, please… let me die! I couldn’t handle losing another child and going through all of this would be for nothing if he couldn’t make his way into this world.
⇑⇑⇑ Sullivan J. Baxley
God gave me a miracle.
Sullivan beat every odd against him. My body accepted him and grew him. We were both healthy, completely healthy. I delivered him at 36 weeks, terrified! It was a scheduled c-section. The NICU was in the room ready to take him because he was premature and they didn’t know if he would even weigh 5 pounds. I cried, pleaded with them no matter what please, please let me hold him first, as I never got to hold Sklya until the day she passed. The day he was born he was 7 pounds 3 ounces and screaming his head off. Nothing like what I experienced the time before with my daughter. He is my MIRACLE!
I know that this is a lot and I know that the pain you feel runs so deep it lives within your Bones. I know that a lot of people try their best to relate and bring up miscarriages but that can’t compare, not because they aren’t important and not to disregard the hurt but because you have given birth to your child, you have felt what it feels like to love something more than you knew you ever could. You held her, took every second with her in and then had to let her go.
Emotionally, mentally and physically. I just want to tell you that you are going to be ok, one day.
You’ll never forget but one day you will celebrate her life and smile when you think of her. You have become a much stronger person than you realize. You may find it harder than ever to relate to women your same age because you have gone through something most people don’t. You may feel like no-one understands how deep your pain is, but I promise I do. I will continue to pray for you as I have from the second I found out about your devastation. It’s taken me a long time to be able to talk about it. Especially the details. Most people don’t know all of that about me. I can’t let my lose control me though. If anything maybe my situation can help you have some light in your situation.
You are here for a reason, though you may not understand why yet. Please don’t disregard yourself because you never know what God has planned. I think often to myself, if I would have successfully ended my life 8 years ago I would have missed all of this. Sullivan would never be here and I would have never had the chance to experience everything I have ever wanted and prayed for in life. I’m sorry! I’m sorry for the emotional rollercoaster you are being forced to ride on right now. I can promise you one thing, if anything at all. YOU are going to be ok, maybe not right now, maybe not in a year, but one day you will look at your child and thank God for your blessings. You will tell him or her all about their sister in heaven and how she gave them all her hugs and kisses before she sent them down to mommy and daddy. You will have little reminders daily that she is watching over you and is with you every step of they way. Skyla was born 11/11/2008 and every single day when I look up at the clock to check it, it happens to be 11:11. She has never left my side and I know that she gave Sullivan lots of love before he met us.
I know Mama, I know it’s the most heart wrenching thing you will face in this life. You are not alone, even on your lowest days.
Feel free to leave a comment or if you have any questions, I am an open book… So read up!